All Or Nothing

All or nothing thinking is what drives me and ruins me at the same time.

Seven months ago, to the day, I made the first post on this blog.  My goal was to create an entire website dedicated to my personal creativity and the creative output I produced.  I wanted it to be the perfect site, have the perfect begining.  That paralyzed me.  Trying to plan for everything, trying to make enough material to post every week, at least, for a year before I let the site go live, trying to make a custom theme that did all the tricks I wanted, were all excuses for not getting started.  It’s a problem I have.  Well, I think it’s a problem many hopeful creatives have.  I’m far from unique in my creative problems.

It’s a symptom.  A symptom of a greater problem, for me, at least.  It’s about passion.  It’s about connecting with something creative at a, well, you’ll pardon my melodramatics, but connecting with something creative at a spiritual level.  The lie I tell myself is that I have no passion.  That I’m disconnected, alienated.  I tell myself that the only thing I have any real passion for is women, mostly women I can’t have, who aren’t interested in me.  But, that’s not really true.  The real trick is connecting those repressed passions, the ones that have nothing to do with sex, into creative work.  Because, about the same time women became so incredibly intimidating to talk to in a real way, words became so important that I wouldn’t use them anymore, and I became so self-critical that every other avenue for my creativity became so constipated that my inner-life was like an impacted bowel and the thin stream of shit that came out simply stank.

So, I’m trying to change that, to “fix” it by simply jumping in and letting the imperfection roll.  I make no promises as to how often I’ll post, what other photo galleries I’ll put up, whether there will be additional pages, fact or fiction.  Hell, I don’t even promise to tell you the truth!  Though, I do promise I’ll be honest, if understand what I mean by the difference.

I don’t know where any of it will go.  Honestly, I’m desperate enough to be beyond caring.  And, though I’ll tell a select few about it, I won’t advertise this site the way I did my other blog, Diary of a Network Geek.  If coworkers find this one, or friends from church, or family or whoever, it will be their reward for stalking me, for seeking me out.  Theoretically, things will improve.  Work will flow.  Art will magically spring up for you like mushrooms on decaying feces left behind by sloppy dog owners in the park.
In reality, of course, I’ll be working furiously on all manner of things, both here and away.  I won’t neglect my other work, lest those not privy to this bit of ephemera become suspicious that I’m up to something more.  Besides, it’s at least partially my hope that keeping this a bit more “secret” than the last one will keep me from getting that old stifled feeling of being closed in by the closeness of near total strangers to whom I feel obligated.

So, please, do check back on occasion and see how I’m doing, eh?

Anyway, no promises.  No commitments, if you’ll pardon the cliche.  Change is the only constant.

Leave a Reply

CommentLuv badge